Healing Journey - Day 35

Emotionally vivid dreams continue. 

Today, I wake up sobbing that school is over for me forever, except it's been over for ten years, and for a good 10 minutes after I awake, I have trouble remembering if I am 26 or 36.

On point with the liquid/spiritual morning ritual: I hydrate, journal, create a few mantras, and say my abundance prayer. Time to do the yoga! 

I work.

I organize my desk, declutter some paperwork, update and refine my to-do list. 

I finish up my liquids, and start THE MOTHER of all cleansing supplements: GX Assist. This stuff is designed to clean out your guts like whoa, and I'm ready for it.

I think about doing the 30-minute yoga class I found on YouTube last night. Ugh, that feels unmanageably long right now cause I MUST go to the baths today after a 2-day hiatus. 

Then I find a 15-minute video. Still feels too long. 

Do they MAKE 10-minute yoga videos?!

They sure do.

I must do it. I must do SOME physical activity.

I land on one that feels appropriate, as it's yoga for self-care. The teacher is a woman named Adriene, and I like her vibe right away. She's a little sassy and practices with humor. Who knew yoga teachers were allowed to be funny when they teach!! I always thought it was supposed to be super serious. But this was fun. And only 10 minutes. And I DID it. And I found a 30-minute video of hers to do tomorrow. Baby steps.

And baby plants!!! This little guy on the table at tonight's dinner spot made me so nostalgic for my baby plants at home. 

I have an epiphany that one of the reasons I avoid exercise is I'm afraid to lose weight--even though that's what I (think I) want to do. When I feel skinny, I feel empty. Like there's not enough of me to exist in the world. At least when I have more weight on me, I feel like I take up space. Plus, being skinny makes me feel vulnerable. I might be more desired--cause this is the belief system that American media and marketing has ingrained into my brain--and I don't feel comfortable with the idea of attention. Having more weight creates an invisibility cloak. 

I link this to the epiphanies that came up during the ancestral clearing session. At one point, I see myself in a past life. I am a small girl of maybe 7 or 8, sitting on a pile of sticks and dried leaves, holding out a white pot. My bones are like sticks, and my hair ratty, my skin sallow, my white dress stained and dirty. I am a prisoner in a concentration camp, and I am starving. All I can think to myself is, "I am all alone. God hates me."

In this life, I've had a food addiction since I can remember. For awhile, it was displaced as an alcohol addiction, and I starved myself during that time period, eating only soft pretzels and malt balls to keep my energy going. Once the starvation became too extreme, I'd flip the switch to binge eating 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and a loaf of bread to punish myself and stuff down all the feelings I couldn't name and didn't want to name. Over the years, I've learned to manage the addiction, and the swings have been far milder. Through all the emotional and spiritual work I'm engaging in, I've been releasing great loads of the shame and guilt I've been chaining myself to--just for being alive. Rather than months of binging, I might do it for a few days, and it's usually on relatively "healthy" foods like Veggie Stix or Coconut Dream ice cream. So far in Budapest, I haven't felt the urge. However, I have the fear that the urge will return once I'm back in my normal LA habitat. 

When the witch doctor diagnosed me as living inside of an energetic shell, it felt like a sharp truth. What I'm starting to understand is that the shell is not only physical, it's emotional. Layers and layers of past life and current life trauma have stifled the light. All the juice cleansing and thermal bathing cannot fix this. Plus, there's nothing to "fix." I need to peel and feel--peel back each layer of trauma and feel each and every associated emotion so that I can release the poisonous grip they hold on me. Yes, physical cleansing will help to support this process, but it's not the answer. I must journey much, much deeper, to places that I've pretended aren't there.

In the end, my goal is to feel whole. Balanced. At ease. Loved. Open. Comfortable in my skin. Kind to myself. Kind to others. Connected. Light. 

I need to see and accept the truth of who I am, and know that no matter what, I'm going to be ok.

Romance is in order tonight, so I take myself out to see jazz. I sit in a dark corner, sip on a chilled glass of Rose, and enjoy a dose of music therapy.